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Q. Why do bands have bass players?

A. To translate for the drummer.

Q. A drummer and a bass player both fall off a building, who hits the ground first?
A. Who cares.

Q. Whats the best thing to play on a stand up bass?
A. Solitaire.

How do you make a double bass sound in tune?
Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.

A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society’s annual performance of Handel’s Messiah. He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, “Would you like a moment to tune?” The bass player replied with some surprise, “Why? Isn’t it the same as last year?”

 

At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the viola section: “You are out of tune. Check it, please!” The first violist pulls all his strings, says, “Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight.” The first bass player turns around and shouts, “You bloody idiot! It’s not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!”

 

Two bass players were engaged for a run of Carmen. After a couple of weeks, they agreed each to take an afternoon off in turn to go and watch the matinee performance from the front of house. Joe duly took his break; back in the pit that evening, Moe asked how it was. “Great,” says Joe. “You know that bit where the music goes `BOOM Boom Boom Boom’–well there are some guys uptop singing a terrific song about a Toreador at the same time.”

Q. How do you make a bass player turn down the volume?
A. Put a chart in front of him.

Q. What do you call a bass player sky diving?
A. instant air pollution.

Q: What do bass players use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What do you call 20 bass players skydiving from an airplane?
A: Skeet.

 

A young boy decides to take up the bass guitar and so he finds a teacher.
After his first lesson, his dad asks, “What did you learn today?”
“I learned the first three notes on the E string,” the boy replies.
After the second lesson his dad asks, “What did you learn today?”
“I learned the first three notes on the A string!”
The next day the boy didn’t come home until after 2 AM.
“Where the hell have you been?” his dad screamed at him.
“But, Dad, I’ve got all these gigs…”

 

Q: What do you call a handcuffed bass player?
A: – Trustworthy.

 

Two brain surgeons are the best of friends.
Dr. A discovers he has a tumor and asks his buddy, Dr. B, to do the operation. Upon waking after the surgery, Dr. B is standing by A’s side.
The patient asks, “Well, how did it go?”
Dr. B says, “Gosh, A, there’s good news and bad news.”
“What’s the bad news?”
“Well, we had to remove 50% of your brain.”
The patient, dismayed, then asks, “What could possibly be the good news?”
Dr. B replies,
“We all got together and bought you a bass guitar.”

 

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

1. None. They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand.

2. Don’t bother. Just leave it out–no one will notice.

3. One, but the guitarist has to show him first.

4. Six: one to change it, and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.