A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. “I’m sorry,he’s dead,” comes the reply.
The musician calls back 10 times, always getting the same reply from the receptionist. At last she asks him why he keeps
calling. “I just like to hear you say it.”
What’s the difference between an opera conductor and a baby?
A baby sucks its fingers.
A new conductor is at his first rehearsal.
It does not go well.
He is as wary of the musicians as they are of him.
As he leaves the rehearsal room, the timpanist sounds a rude little kabong.”
The angry conductor turns and says
“All right! Who did that?”
1. Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the podium and puts it on you,
where it belongs.
2. When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the music on the floor.
3. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, or a draft. It’s best to do this when
the conductor is under pressure.
4. Look the other way just before cues.
5. Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds. Percussion players must never have all their
equipment.
6. Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you’re about to quit. Let the conductor know
you’re there as a personal favor.
7. Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every opportunity, especially when the conductor is giving instructions.
Brass players: drop mutes. Percussionists have a wide variety of droppable items, but cymbals are unquestionably the
best because they roll around for several seconds.
8. Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, oboe and clarinet players are trained to do this from birth).
9. Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C#
or were not playing at the time. (If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your part.)
10. At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be busy marking your music so that the climaxes
will sound empty and disappointing.
11. Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know you don’t have the music.
12. Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.
13. Tell the conductor, “I can’t find the beat.” Conductors are always sensitive about their “stick technique”, so challenge it
frequently.
14. As the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from
it. Also good: ask “Is this the first time you’ve conducted this piece?”
15. When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your head indicating that you’ll never be able to play
it. Don’t say anything: make him wonder.
16. If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor
which is correct until backstage just before the concert.
17. Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to pack up and
fidget.
18. During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make
the conductor feel he is keeping you from doing something really important.
It is time that players reminded their conductors of the facts of life: just who do conductors think they are, anyway?