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Musician Jokes

Two musicians are walking down a path. Suddenly they notice the Grim Reaper walking behind them. The Reaper informs them that they had an accident and they both died. But, before he takes them off into eternity, he grants each musician one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. The first musician says he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of The Chicken Dance as a last hoorah! The second musician says “I was a jazz musician…kill me now!”

St. Peter’s still checking ID’s. He asks a man, “What did you do on Earth?”

The man says, “I was a doctor.”

St. Peter says, “Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?”

“I was a school teacher.”

“Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?”

“I was a musician.”

“Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen…”

A violist in an orchestra was crying and screaming at the oboe player sitting directly behind him. The conductor asked, “What are you so upset about?”

The violist replied ”The oboist reached over and turned one of the pegs on my viola and now it’s all out of tune!”

The conductor asked “Don’t you think you’re overreacting?”

The violist replied “I’m not overreacting! He won’t tell me which one!”

What’s the first thing a musician says at work?

“Would you like fries with that?”

What do you call a musician without a significant other?

Homeless.

Why do musicians have to be awake by six o’clock?

Because most shops close by six thirty.

What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?

Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.

Q. What’s the difference between a musician and a US savings bond?
A. One of them eventually matures and earns money.

Q. What’s the difference between a 16″ pizza and a musician?
A. The pizza can feed a family of four.

Saint Peter is checking ID’s at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. “Tell me, what have you done in life?” says St.

Peter.

The Texan says, “Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn’t sit on my laurels–I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations.”

St. Peter says, “That’s quite something. Come on in. Next!”

The second guy in line has been listening, so he says,

“I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn’t selfishly just provide for

my own like that Texan guy.

I donated five million to Save the Children.”

“Wonderful!” says Saint Peter. “Come in. Who’s next?”

The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look,

“Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime.”

“Heavens!” says St. Peter. “What instrument did you play?”

A guy walks into the doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I haven’t had a bowel movement in a week!” The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, “If it doesn’t work, let me know.”

A week later the guy is back: “Doc, still no movement!”

The doctor says, “Hmm, guess you need something stronger,” and prescribes a powerful laxative.

Still another week later the poor guy is back: “Doc, STILL nothing!”

The doctor, worried, says, “We’d better get some more information about you to try to figure out what’s going on. What do you do for a living?”

“I’m a musician.”

The doctor looks up and says,

“Well, that’s it! Here’s $10.00. Go get something to eat!”

Two women are walking in the woods when they hear a tiny voice calling them. They look down and see a frog – talking to them!
“Hey chicks, help me! I’m a jazz musician who’s been turned into a frog by an evil witch! If you kiss me, I’ll return to my former self.”
One of the women picks up the frog and places him in her coat pocket. The other asks why she didn’t kiss him.
“Are you kidding? He’s worth a LOT more as a talking frog than as a jazz musician!”

Why did the Philharmonic disband?

Excessive sax and violins.

Son: I want to be a musician when I grow up!
Father: Sorry, son, you can’t have it both ways.